Sadistic forestry: Catching Feelings I
by Charlieintheforest
Summary: What if Charlie never met Patrick and Sam, what if Aunt Helen hadn't died, what if everything you have come to love and cherish about Charlie never was. Charlie is now seen struggling to find his identity and is now confused with the ideas of pain and pleasure. Guys leave reviews and let me know if you like it and if I should release chapter two...
1. Chapter 1

**Catching Feelings**

I didn't thought we could get so close. I didn't thought about what would happen if one day I fell and couldn't get up because I'm too deep, deep in love. It always ends that way when it starts with intense sexual attraction, the type of attraction that makes you shiver at sight, the type of attraction that makes your heart race with lightening speed, the type of attraction that kills you when you're in public because you can't have your way, that type of attraction.

She didn't come over that night. That night I died, died helpless, died with hopes that she would eventually come. The next day she did, twice, after intense foreplay, after minutes of trying to get it in without hurting her, after sex, she came twice. I asked her if she was ok and mindless and satisfied she nods, yes.

Its night time, she's here. She wants to, even more than I want to. She taunts and taunts until I eventually give in. I kissed her and slowly ran my hand down from her chest to her pussy. I could feel her heart racing as I slowly rub her. As she wets, I slip my fingers in slowly, one by one, starting with my index finger, then my middle fingers, barely, it couldn't fit. I tried stripping her, but she wouldn't let me, maybe it's because we weren't alone. I took her to the bed and lay her as gently as I could on the bed while I stand off the side. I lift her skirt and pull her lace to the left, dropping my cargo and hanes to my knees, pulling back my jewless foreskin, lubing my dick with spit and I slowly and cautiously enter. "WAIT", she quietly and desirably begged and I did, then I didn't. I tried again slowly, then it went in. I slowly work her open, she holds me, she holds me hard. We stopped and I died. She went home numb.

She's in love, deep in. She always silently tells me how much she's taken by me, how much she belongs to me, but my own stubborn resistance, resistance to love, resistance to happiness, always resist her. She tells me she loves me and I laugh to hide that I kind of feel that way too, to hide that I think it's ridiculous, to hide the embarrassment of me being incapable of being loved and to hide my true excitement, I laugh. We fucked again, three times again, until it became our routine. It was almost like if we didn't something was wrong. I wanted to try something new, not new for me but new for her. My hand discovered her pussy again, my middle finger still couldn't fit. I tried new positions; on her knees, on top of me, I picked her up and she sat down. She did it once before, but I wasn't in the mood, something was on my mind, but this time I was and she was too. On her knees, she slowly and unsurely place it on her tongue and a sensation swallow my being as she pretend to swallow it. Each time we fucked, I was never fortunate to cum, maybe it's because time was always against us, or maybe I was just meant to have longevity. All the time I would think about what if we had all the time in world, or if we had all of the night. My mind would wander wild in sadistic forestry, or wander off into an abiss of sweaty and aggressive sex. I'd start by taking her hand and pulling her close to me until there's no room for us to fall in love, then I'll place tiny kisses on her lips down to her neck while grabbing her ass. I'll take her top and her bra off then take my tiny kisses to her nipples turning them into dog gulps, sucking them until they become rock hard. I'd surprise her with a shove against the wall, biting her lips, neck and nipples, ripping away every single thread of her underwear, fingering her pussy almost like I'm digging a tunnel. I'd pick her up and throw her on the bed, bind her hands and let her legs hang free, then walk on my knees up to her face kneeling with my dick hanging in her face. I'd forcibly open her mouth and shove my dick in, causing her to gag continuously, fucking her mouth until tears run from her eyes and while a train of spit follow my dick after I pull it from her throat, I'd force my dick in her pussy until she screams. I snap out of it.

Regaining consciousness, I remember all my silly problems, the same silly problems that caused me head. I wasn't able to get it off my mind, the only way was to tell someone. I wrote it in a song and sang it from my room for which ever neighbor wanted to hear. At my window :

If I could change anything, about my past; I don't know if I would,

But I know that I can be a way better man for you, I hope you understand,

Anywhere you are…that's where I want to be,

It takes too to fall in love for a fair game, but I feel like it's just me.

I'm not the perfect star…but I don't want to be,

Don't lie to me…if you hate me.

I was comfortable singing for them, because they wouldn't know I wrote it, they wouldn't know what it's about, but if they had asked I would lie and tell them it's about a guy who loves a girl who doesn't love him back and that I didn't write it. Truthfully it's about my parents' rollercoaster relationship and how their push and shove affects me, turning me into a pretentious hopeless romantic.

This time I wasn't pretending, I was definitely catching feelings, feelings for someone who I egotistically say is not my type. Thinking to myself wondering if this is really love or simply just infatuation, I remember the warning; "one of you are bound to catch feelings", why is it two though.

I realize that this is nothing about being love or wanting to spend the rest of my life with her, it's just me thinking with my dick and I realize that because the only time I thought of her is when I'm horny. Thinking with my dick again I fall into the sadomasochism forestry again.


	2. Chapter 2

**Weeds**

Is this something that I do? Is this the type of person I am? Someone who let the idea of bloody pleasure controls their desires and priority; yes and frankly I'm ok with it. The feeling of wanting something and not being able to have to it pleasures more than sex itself. It is almost like a drug, getting high at every chance I get, falling into my fantasy land of sadistic forestry. This time I'd be tied up, licked from my balls up to my neck, tiny kisses will be pleasuring me, tickling the head of my dick with her tongue making me cringe and curl my toes. She's stroking me, slowly spitting on my dick to lessen the friction, fondling my balls chilling my spine. I couldn't snap out of it, not until I got what I wanted and I'm happy again. She strokes and sucks until I cum…..

I snap out of it, numb to the push and shove that chased me into the forestry.

My mind is like a lawn, lush and green but dries at the edges where bad memories meet current distraught. My mind is filled with weeds, weeds that grow from internal insecurities and are fertilized by the suggestions and backlash of individuals. I believe that's how the sadistic forest gain life, it grew from weeds - trees and vines, to whips and chains, to sex and aggression, and became my solace. It's funny, funny how my solace from all pain is a place where pain is my pleasure…. After I cum, she uses her tongue and plays with my spillage, spits it on my dick as I blush with embarrassment. Cleaning up I thought it was over, still tied to the bed I'm recognizing the room's visuals; lit by black and red candles, the room had no furniture just the lonesome bed I was lying on and a shelf with all her ideas and devices. She walks over with one of the lit candles and dripped hot wax on my chest down to my stomach; I felt the pain but somehow music from an unknown source diluted my reaction, she licks her lips and whispered sultry "do you like that?", but I couldn't speak, I never could in the forest, but my eyes must have whispered yes because she strutted away looking pleased. Set on making me cum again; she unties me, giving me total control, telling me to do whatever I want and of course I took total advantage of the situation. Dramatically, I took a whip from her shelf and whipped her over 6 times and strangled her with it, but somehow it wasn't as pleasing as it would be if it were me in her position. I left the forest and for the first inflicted pain upon myself outside the forestry.

I told her to lick me – lick the head of my dick and suck on my balls just because it helps me to not think too much. I always over think everything, especially during sex, sometimes it'll be so distracting that I'll forget that my dick is someone's mouth – after sucking my balls I'll bring her up for a kiss, I didn't care that there would be an after taste of my dick. Kissing her neck, pulling her hair and grabbing wherever I wanted – I know she likes it because of her rhythmic panting almost like an in and out breathing replica of Coldplay's Yellow. This isn't the sadistic forest because I remember very vividly that night. She told me that she loved me and hope we'd remain friends forever, I didn't know what to say so I kissed her – this kiss was deeper than any other time we kissed, almost feeling like the stars were aligned or something pertaining to that bullshit – but it felt right. I ripped her spanks accidentally as I was trying to gain access to her pussy- it was almost like she didn't care because she kept on kissing me and stroking my dick, but I could tell that she was thinking about how she would explain this to her mother. She ripped my underpants seemingly on purpose, but the way she started sucking my dick makes me think maybe she was just eager to get it in her mouth. Over-thinking again I wondered if she thought I had a small penis, but her gags re-assured me that I didn't – again over-thinking I thought about how young and wild we are, almost like a movie where we're hiding from our parents and fucking with no meaning. I think my parents knew though, about what was going on, since every night we went upstairs my dad would give that look as if he were saying "fuck the shit out of her". And I did. Every fucking thing was different that night. It was not only sex, it was like we knew the world would end in any minute and we wanted to have one final goodbye – I was fucking her so hard with speed I didn't know I could, she was begging me to stop but I wouldn't because I knew she didn't want me to because in between every "please stop" there was a "fuck me".

I hated myself for some stupid fucking reason – she's a nice girl and I turned her into a crazed obsessive person. She was in too deep and she didn't understand it, she knew I didn't loved her but felt that she could earn my love by blowing and fucking me – she doesn't understand that I'm not sane enough to be a person or have feelings or experience emotion – she doesn't understand that half the time I'm lost and confused and the other half I'm in the sadistic forest – she doesn't understand that most times I want to die because I believe I'm asleep in a nightmare and when I die I'll wake up and things would be better – she doesn't understand that the image of me being a good guy with wonderful parents and life is just a façade to hide that there's nothing wonderful or good about my life, my parents or me – she doesn't understand who she is in love with. The lawn seems lush, but weeds pop up now and again, the edges are still dry but walls and pavements hide them – you'll only see the lush lawn. She says bring the cuffs.


	3. Chapter 3

CATCHING FEELINGS II

It's been two months since we've seen each other and three since we've talked. We're not friends anymore…prophecy fulfilled. I knew if we had complicate things with feelings and emotions that someone would get their heart broken and the other would be seen as the villain. At the end of the day none of it was my fault and I refuse to take any responsiblilty for what happened – still I don't blame her, I blame the heart; I blame the heart for being too easily confused, for being too susceptive to any form of affection and mistaking it for LOVE – it's not the same thing as affection is love at its simplest form and idea, but LOVE (in caps) is a magic that doesn't trick you but makes you believe, no magician can perform this act for it is a person in itself and it chooses where and with whom it wants to stay – I knew we could and would never happen because love chose her not LOVE, none didn't choose me. Not yet.

By her name I could already tell she would be different; Python, sounds slutty and provocative, but I figured it wasn't a name she would choose for herself but more like an alias – like mine – that guy over there or him – I guess you could say I didn't have any friends but fuck that – I'm Charlie. Her name is Lisa and before I could say hi, she held onto my arm as if she knew me since we were six, as if she were ready to tell me everything she's thinking and not thinking. I had a friend by the way, which translated to me having friends since his friends were supposedly my friends – sad. We met at the diner next to Boston's forest hills bus station – with the one who warned me; Andrew and his three cousins Rookie, Demario and Lisa.

She had many scars, more than I do and more beautiful than mine because they showed how hurt she was and that's beautiful to me. The whole night she held onto me as if we were a couple and I really liked the idea, but maybe that's me just over-thinking again; wondering if she really likes me or she just wanted to climb me – I'm very tall. Maybe she just wants to climb me, I mean her alias is Python – I guessed she fucks a lot of dudes .

I remember she asked me what I was going to do after now; which I replied sleep – I lied. She told me she was going to fuck herself, instantly I fell in the sadistic forestry.

It was her, Lisa – she's in a red laced lingerie with the thickest ass I've seen, don't know why it was that thick because she realistically doesn't have a thick ass and I really don't like thick girls. She kept asking what do I like but I couldn't respond in the sadistic forest, she kept asking until she became frustrated and started hitting me with the paddle – she noticed that that's what I liked – that's all that happened though. I don't know why but that's all that happened, whenever I wanted to go into the forest or just simply think about Lisa in a sexual way, I never could – it's almost like I'm sexually imaginably numb when I think about her. All to my mind was that horrible KATY Perry song "I kissed a girl", which made no sense because I've kissed many girls before and liked it and to add I haven't kissed Python before.

Over time we became more than just mutual friends, she became a really great friend and a really great supporter. I haven't been in the forest for 6 months, not since Lisa and I became friends. She made the first move that night when we went to the Last Shadow Puppets show in New York – she held onto to my arm again, then she told me how much she loves this song, then my heart took the beat of the bass in "Calm Like You", then she pulled me closer to her than I already was, then she told me how much she missed the touch of a man and my heart started to skip notes alternating the song, then she told me how much she wanted me to touch her and slid my hands down to her pussy – I blacked out.

The only thing I could remember from that night was the Gargoyles outside the building the show was at. Frustrated that I couldn't remember anything I started cutting, the first time since I've stopped last year when I was 16. There was blood everywhere, I felt stupid and high at the same time, sad and happy – I wanted to know what happened so bad that I started crying hysterically – then I called and asked her. I passed out and we're a couple – I entered the forest.

It's not Lisa, I don't know who it is and we're not in the usually room – everything is different. I'm sitting on a chair with my hands tied behind my back and my feet are bound to the chair's. This time the room is all white except for the chair which was blood red. Scary I used that description because the chair was actually blood red – literally being covered in blood; then I realized that all this blood was coming from the bucket she had in her hand. She cupped her left hand to scoop the blood and started to splash me in a violent way and I was humiliated, but never have I been so aroused. My dick was throbbing so hard that it started to hurt, but it hurt so good; it felt as if the head of my dick was going to explode. She then got on her knees and started to suck the blood off my dick, but it wasn't blood, I know because I was tempted to taste it, it was cherry flavored syrup – she sucked everything off; my nipples, my balls, my ears, my lips and she even got between the space between my testicles and my anus – I came everywhere. The biggest load I've ever sprayed.

At this point I was totally invested in Lisa. She became this person I couldn't see myself living without and a person of refuge. We've been friends for 8 months and a couple for 3. We never had our first time only the occasional kiss. This was not because both of us are inexperienced and would be nervous because we've both done this before both with different people. It was not because we weren't attracted to each other because whenever we were together there would be times when my hand would drift with his own mind and I don't know if this is conscious, but she'll usually have her hands between my legs almost touching my balls; I would tell you about the things I would do to her, but she makes me sexually imaginably numb. There was this time it almost happened; it was after we took a break, honestly I think it was because we never had sex and that frustrated her, but we lied and said it was because we weren't sure of what we wanted yet and that we started off too fast. After the break, Andrew had planned for us to go to this party one of his friends had and Python was there, along with Rookie and his other cousin Tammy. I was almost excited because I wanted to get away from my parents and I wanted to dance away the stress of school; by the way I'm not a good dancer and I don't dance at all, but this was stress worth dancing away. Again, when she saw me she held onto me, tricking me that everything is fine; although the break was over we decided to remain friends, so when she was held onto me I didn't know what to think.


	4. I Was To Set Fire To The World

_**I Was To Set Fire to the World**_

**August 2, 2013, 3:52am**

I wish I felt guilty enough to stop; I can't help the urge to get fixed whenever he would say something intellectually challenging for me to even understand. Whenever he flicks his long black locks to the left revealing that brown spot on his pale neck only I could notice, I shower in every spill I spew and contention lives. I wish he could be like all other actors and just be as pretentious as a Haiti relief charity so that way I won't be so captured, but he shows wisdom beyond his 20 years and I know he isn't lying when he says he doesn't belong, because I feel what he feels and want what he wants.

I wish others understood.

I wish there were others to understand that this isn't an obsession, we are soul mates that haven't met each other as yet, and it's not weird because God wanted this to happen; no matter the sin we live as same love creatures. He calls himself a super-freak which I identify with and believe in so much; it sounds better when he says it than when others would shout it at me, even at the convenient store.

Why are they scared for me?

Mother as I call because I don't know who she is would often passively force what she believes to be normal sixteen years old "stuff" in my existence just so she has something to challenge Karen and her son Mika "the football player" Ronson with whenever he wins a game. Patrick as I call him, always forgets his role as a father and would often take who in my head is his lover Mike, to the house to explain the importance of socialising, since he has a degree in Social Studies – groundbreaking.

Nobody really understands the importance of Ezra to my existence. I would lie in bed all night and beg God for the simple chance of just seeing him at Starbucks and I would pray to the universe to work his magic to have Ezra show up at my door, but this hasn't happened as Yet, but I will wait until I'm next in line.

**August 6, 2013, 12:41am**

I'm moving to New York City in two weeks to live with my Grandmother, Uma, so I could easily attend the Pace University. My family believes the main reason for my departure is the underlying fact that I'm a theatre nerd, but truth and in fact my main objective is to get closer to Ezra; hoping I'll see him at an underground club or filming a movie. Though that being my main reason, there's no fallacy in the stories my parents would tell to justify my absence from Pittsburgh; I am truly a theatre nerd and a proud one at that – some would say "Baptised in the world of jazz hands and on queue crying that kid is" and it's the truth; whenever my drama teacher Mr. Lockhart wanted an actor to play the part of Arnie in _**What's Eating Gilbert Grape**_, I would scrape my eyeliner off and wash away my muddy **Miranda Priestly**attitude to embody the character of a celestial retard. I could never really connect with roles like that; it would always be just acting for me – I prefer roles of sinister, ostracized and sometimes homicidal characters that I can not only act but also become and live their life for ninety minutes. I remember the first movie I saw Ezra in, _**We Need to Talk about Kevin**_; I remember squeezing my best friend Stacy's hand so hard while watching it in my parents' cellar I made out to be my own rusty movie theatre; she thought it was because I was terrified of the idea of one of our school mates going nuts and hunting us like antelopes, but it wasn't that – it was because my being was completely consumed by the mental character Ezra was. My heart would skip beats whenever he would stare deviously into his mother's soul almost like he's going to rip her heart out with immense passion and love, my body would shiver when he walks in the room like he was about to destroy every living thing inside and will be satisfied he did, but what would destroy me was when he killed the characters you didn't want him to – it made me wanted him to kill them, then it made me wanted him; I wanted him angry, I wanted him horny, I wanted him bloody and I wanted him to want me – so I squeezed Stacy's hand as I released in my pants.

I would miss Stacy because she's the only human thing that would bring me joy; apart from Ezra. She's so intriguing beautiful with long blonde locks that had schizophrenia, her eyes are where rivers come to rest and her body Aphrodite would envy; she could have easily be one of the "popular kids" at school but she's too cool for them to handle, they wouldn't understand her incessant rants about the works of Charles Manson, James Cameron, Vince Steven and Charlie Kills – who she believes to be men who have walked with each other in land of gods and monsters. I would miss her, but it makes no sense since she'll be moving with me.

**August 10, 2013, 3:05am**

I never went to my graduation, celebrating the seniors leaving feels like they actually wanted us gone, especially me. Pittsburgh High School was more than a prison for me; it was a torture chamber, a bad McDonald's burger and a Catholic school. I love burgers, that's all I would eat for lunch at school and nobody understood how this lanky individual could chow down so many cheese burgers and still remain that lanky and thin, the only conclusion was that I'm bulimic; that's the first rumour that really spread like wild fire about me and it's stupid because majority of the school is bulimic, even the varsity jocks which didn't make sense but I guess rumours are better when their about me. The second rumours that really took a life for itself was that I'm gay which at first I didn't identify with, I was quite terrified by it at first, I was somewhat naive to the world of homosexuality, having that moniker in a Catholic school is almost like ritually shouting fuck you to the Hail Mary statue in the courtyard and then being placed in a straight jacket in penitentiary until the day ends.

The nuns would all make it their point of duty to identify and rid this demon from my being, the daily exorcism would


End file.
